"Please don't cry, baby!" How many times did I beg for this tonight? Who knows...Maybe, 5 million times... Maybe, 10... It was one of those "crying" nights tonight. Hard. Not easy. Endless. Loud. Unbearable. Loud again.
Wyatt just didn't want to fall asleep in his crib. Not at all. I rocked him. I sang. I fed him. I burped him. And fed him again. And he was all right, until I put him to the crib... My poor ears! Sometimes I think, that, if I were my neighbors, I would had called 911 to figure out what kind of parents are "those monsters" across the street!
I hate the nights like this! I hate it! I feel like I AM a monster, like a really bad mother, like a creature without any feelings and compassion! And it is hard to get rid of this feeling,s when you hear your little baby crying for 5 minutes (which feels like 5 hours), and, moreover, when it doesn't stop in another 5. Tonight my record was 18 minutes - and then I gave up! I went upstairs and held him, and rocked him, and fed him again... I put him to the crib, he started crying again, louder than before. And it is the most terrible thing to hear (for a mother) - a little baby cry mixed with hick-ups. Just a torture to my ears, my heart, and my consciousness! I went downstairs, hoping that I could run away from the VOLUME... Nope! I couldn't! It got me even there! In another 17 minutes of feeling guilty I went upstairs again. Kissing, holding, rocking, talking, feeding - all these helped for a time he was in my arms... He felt the crib - and it started again! That time I just turn around, turned off the lights, and left the room... He cried another 3 minutes. And that's it! I bet he was exhausted by his own crying! My poor little sad man! Oh, how I love him!
I know that it is very important to let a kid know, that sleepy time is sleepy time, and that the parents decide when it starts and ends, but not the baby. I know it! I practiced it with Dwighty, when he was 8 month old. Before that I just picked him up, fed him, played with him on HIS demand. Sometimes hourly demand. And it didn't matter for him if it was day or night. He knew I would come in a second after he started crying. I was so tired physically, that I was ready for a change. So, it was hard, but in a week he slept through the night with 2 two-hour naps withing the day. It was a miracle that cost me tears (while hearing him sometimes screaming for 2 hours), patience and a lot of hope that it would be over sooner or later. And I succeeded.
But even now, knowing that it works, it is hard to hear my smallest one crying. It brings memories. And I keep reminding myself, that it must be done (putting a baby on a schedule) and it will work. But it is hard work!
Tomorrow Wyatt is 4 month old, and I will try tomorrow to be a better and more patient parent! And stronger one as well! Wish me luck! I need it!
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